Who am I and what am I doing here?

I woke up this morning with an urge to get out on the water.

Early.

Before the sounds of the day ~ neighbors mowing their summer lawns. Children’s laughter between slides and splashes. Trash trucks. Conversations.

Early.

When the sound of silence is filled with Creation awakening for another day. Birdsong and wing-beats. When my boat glides effortlessly across the glassy reflection of sky. I am connected by the water to this beautiful earth. When the surface changes and moves, so do I.

The gentle rhythm of my paddle as it sweeps the water quiets the chatter in my head.

Questions arise and I breathe deep. Clarity begins its descent and peace ensues.

Time with God.

My guide.  

My Friend. 

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At certain times in our lives, we begin to ponder our identity and our place in this world.

Sometimes that comes with age. Sometimes with trauma and disappointment. Maybe those questions arise with the natural transitions in life. With the seasons we traverse. Nonetheless, at some point or another, we look at our lives and contemplate who we are in the midst of it all.

Our stories are all different.

The histories. The experiences. The battle scars and the celebrations.  All compiled into our very own God-breathed-life-into existence.

The place that has the bookmark.

The right now. 

…

Exploring my own identity, I behold these days that roll into years. Accomplishments. Purpose. Relationships. Situations and my reaction, my response to them. I step outside myself to peer into this life.

I see that I am…

A mother ~ Mom to a beautiful teenage daughter who teaches me daily about the truly important things in life. About laughter. Forgiveness. Stretching my boundaries of understanding. Letting go. And finding grace somewhere in between it all.

A daughter and sibling ~ How blessed I am to still have my parents and siblings walking this journey with me. My parents are aging, but still flourishing. Contemplating their own stories as they turn the pages in the final chapters of their lives. They teach me compassion. Generosity. Unconditional love and humility. And my brothers and sister ~ we learn bending and acceptance as our lives are woven together in this, our family.

A business owner ~ I am an occupational therapist in private practice working with children with developmental challenges. Moreover, with their loved ones.  Parents who are lost and hurting, trying to find joy despite the diagnoses. I have been put in the place to be counselor, friend, and teacher. Hopefully helping them navigate the sometimes choppy waters of disability.

I am a beekeeper.

A reader.

A writer.

A biophile.   (bi·o·phile) noun. One who feels a strong attraction for or emotional attachment to the living world.

At times they appear so insignificant ~ these roles that we play. The seemingly rudimentary duties. Daily responsibility. So commonplace and small. When the dreams for what our lives were supposed to look like are meager imitations ~ what do we do with that? How do we find meaning and value in our “bookmarked” places?

Are we enough?

Isn’t there something more that we should be doing with our lives?

These perplexities can wrap so tightly around our hearts. Limiting our breathing in of this life. Stealing our joy. We can find ourselves bound by our own limited reality, keeping us from seeing more.

But if we surrender the angst, God will always find a way to show us His Truth.

To offer us a new perspective.

…

I was talking with a dear friend whom I had known for years.

God had crossed our paths long ago when I was providing in-home therapy to little ones. One of my first referrals, as a weekly visitor into their nest, we developed a beautiful friendship over time.

She was one of those people that you grow to envy. I admired their courage as she and her husband adopted three small children. All with varying degrees of disability. I marveled as she traveled to foreign countries to speak to and lift up the women whose souls were shattered by abuse and oppression. She seemed she could conquer anything. A force to be reckoned with.

Her powerful confidence in Christ.

We met at the funky little coffee shop in our town, years after our in-home visits had ended.

A time to catch up.

To confide.

Later in the evening, tears filled my eyes as I confessed my heavy heart.  I wanted to be more like her.  To do BIG things. To reach many and to share the beautiful things that God had done in my life. To radiate His luminous glow as she did.

I’ll never forget the feeling as she reached across the table to hold tight to my hands.  She looked into my eyes and spoke grace to me.

That amazing, and beautiful woman let me know that I was already doing great things. That I had been ministering to her and her family when I was in their home.  That God had me just where I was supposed to be. And He was already using me for His good.

(All this time, unbeknownst to me.)

…

1 John 3: 1-2

See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!

The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know Him.  

Dear friends, now we are children of God, and what we will be has not yet been made known. But we know that when Christ appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is.

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He calls us His own.

And as we come to recognize His love and provision for us something happens.

Something incredible!

We are able to see not only our desires for our life, but His profound will for us. We begin to discern the seen from the unseen. The boundaries between this world and His heavenly realm are blurred.

Although we will always struggle in this, our physical existence, we are given eyes to see. We get a glimpse of the immense joy that comes from living out His plan for us. Our hearts notice the stories of others. That we are all the same.

We are all children of God, longing for Him. 

And how that plays out in each story, each life, is His work.  We often try to change the course of life for others. Particularly when their ‘chapter’ seems to be infringing on or complicating ours. Or we try to fix the uncomfortable. To remove the struggle, when these are meant to be beautiful teachings in our lives.

Rather than wrestle with the realities before us, we can find peace as we relish in the Glory of His sovereignty and watch as He does great things!

We are enough.

We are free in Him.  

We can trust that the Creator of it all knows us better than we know ourselves.  He knows what is best for us. And for those whom we love. And for those whom we don’t.

For despite the broken dreams, amidst the heartache and in-between the longing, He is redeeming all things. All of our lives woven together.

In His time.

This world of sin and wanting is not our true home. 

When we begin to grasp this concept, perceptions shift and suddenly we come to understand a greater picture. And in that vast masterpiece, our seeming insignificance becomes imperative. It is a part of the grand scheme. And without it, His Work is incomplete.

It is not because of who we are, or what we do that makes our life important.

It is only the Cross that gives value to our human existence.

God’s great Grace that covers us all.

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So as the morning ticks on, and the sun rises once again, I breathe it in…

The fragrant air, perfumed with the nectar of waterlilies.

The sound of a pileated woodpecker drumming on an old tree deep in the forest.

Arrowhead leaves, gently moving above the surface of the water as a soft-shell turtle swims amid the stalks.

The fiery patches on the wings of the red-winged blackbird. He flies swiftly across the channel.

The damp and earthy smell of the bank. Trees fallen from a beaver’s handi-work.

Wrens chattering in the brush, intent in their calling.

Water drips cool from my paddle, the lake is alive.

…

It is here that I find my true identity.

I am a child of God, basking blissfully in the sweetness of Creation.